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Pick-Up Coach

Pick-Up Coach
Name:Xander
Location:Hollywood, CA
Gender:M
Age:32
I was a practitioner of Pick-Up Arts, as taught through numerous books, classes, and online forums. Now I help legions of average, frustrated chumps learn how to interact with women and land the dates and relationships they've always wanted.
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Q
If I'm already in the friend zone, should I just chalk it up as a loss, or is there a good way you recommend to get out of the friend zone?
A

You'd have an easier time escaping Riker's Island than the dreaded Friend Zone. "But I have this one friend who knew this chick for 5 years......." Don't want to hear it. Move on, if you were a sexual option it would have happened by now. Every woman has loads of "guy friends" that think they are one drunken night out away from making it happen. They aren't.

Q
What's the typical path taken by those who get involved with the pick-up community and coaching?
A

Generally, everyone first reads "The Game", then Mystery's book, then blogs and online forums. Many people take bootcamps which are generally 3 days of lecture and 2 nights in bars approaching women. I took 2 bootcamps with the top companies. One was a regular comprehensive bootcamp, one was a specialized one. I also attended 3-4 special seminars by instructors who had good reputations. At the beginning it was a little like learning martial arts. Some people advocated jiu-jitsu, some Krav Maga, and interested students wanted to know what worked best. Over time all the theories and strategies narrowed down to a more or less to a single consensus much in the way the various martial arts eventually turned into the Mixed Martial Arts you see practiced in UFC.

Q
What pick-up techniques do you recommend most?
A

Well first I put on eyeliner and a fuzzy hat. Then I ask a girl if this is her card. Then I spend the next 20 minutes talking about how awesome I am and how lame she is. And then I take her home.

Kidding, kidding. All of those oft-touted "pick-up" strategies are kind of red herrings. The "techniques" that were featured in "The Game" or VH1's "The Pickup Artist" reality show are lame and played out like Arnold's "What you talking 'bout Willis?" If you walk up to a girl today and ask "would you still date a guy who was friends with his ex?" I hope she says "would you still use a lame opening line from a dated, poorly written book?"

But the lameness of those specific tactics aside, the themes that underlie them, such as understanding female psychology, dominance, playful teasing, displaying
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Q
Are you mostly coaching sci-fi geeks who've never kissed a girl, or regular dudes trying to sharpen their game?
A

Although I'd love to avoid the cop-out answer I can't.... there are all kinds. In my bootcamp there was a 23-year-old millionaire who had been with 300 women, a guy nearing his 50s, a successful Asian director, and a bunch of computer programmers. I'd say about 20% of my clients are, well...virgins. But there are plenty of regular dudes...investment bankers, lawyers, etc who just need the nudge.

Q
How do I make it sting less when I get rejected?
A

12 beers. No, I'm kidding.

One word: Volume. The more you do it, the less any one approach means to you. If you work up the nerve all night to talk to one girl and it doesn't go well you'll feel it a lot more than you would if she was one of 10 you talked to that night. Over time you'll also develop a thicker skin and a realization of how much of a woman's decision to say "yes" is influenced by a multitude of factors you have nothing to do with.

Q
I have zero game in bars. Are there any particular venues that you think are underrated as places to meet decent women?
A

If you have "zero game" as you say, it's unlikely to improve just because you set foot in an establishment that serves coffee instead of alcohol. Women don't change species just because they are in a club. Work on the game part first...are you anxious? Dull? Overly deferential? Address whatever it is head on. Once you've managed that, then you can start worrying about the types of venues that will enable you to meet the most compatible women.

I will say that Bed Bath and Beyond is highly underrated (I'm serious)

Q
What kinds of women respond best to these pick-up techniques?
A

All of them. That's not to say all women are the same. Women respond to power and status, for example. But power and status for a 21 year old club girl means something different that it does to a 28 year old corporate attorney. The knock on the "techniques" is that they only work on insecure women but while there's a grain of truth in that, being charming or having good game is something virtually all women recognize and respond to.

Q
What's the most common mistake you see your clients making with women and how do you correct it?
A

Bragging. Or worse, humblebragging. It's utterly transparent. I'm sure you are proud of the Law & Order-worthy case you've laid out of why she should like you but that's not really how it works. As far as correcting it, pretty simple. Knock it off.

But really "mistakes" or any thing revolving around technique takes a big backseat to just overcoming various fears and insecurities which, unfortunately, take more time and effort to "correct."

Q
How long after you set about trying to improve with women yourself did things really start to click?
A

I was fortunate in that I was never really terrible with women so pretty quickly after I starting going out regularly I was seeing that girls responded to me. But a little like a game of wack-a-mole when you learn one thing you find others popping up. For example I'm still trying to get comfortable with a girl telling me she likes me without freaking out.

Q
Have you ever met or worked with Neil Strauss, Mystery, or any of the other well-known guys from The Game?
A

I know Neil and have met and been out with Mystery on many occasions. I've met virtually all of the characters in The Game. Haven't worked with any of them although I did work for the biggest PUA company on an independent project for a time in exchange for some coaching.

Q
If I'm at a bar talking to some chick and she mentions she has a boyfriend but continues to flirt with me, is it safe to assume there's still a chance to hook up?
A

Ha... this kind of makes me chuckle because it highlights a little bit of gender projection. When we guys talk to a girl (especially in a bar) it's because we want to hook up with her. Black and white; plain and simple. Doesn't work that way for girls. She gets most of what she wants (ego boost, feeling desired) from the flirtation itself. In psychology this is the concept of narcisstic supply. Or put another way as a study on female sexuality concluded, "For women, feeling desired is the orgasm."

So while yes it is possbile you can still hook up and that she's just mentioning it so she feels like it's your fault when it happens ("I told him I have a boyfriend!"), it's much more likely that she's enjoying the flirtation and attention with no intention of actually acting on it. You're much
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Q
Have you ever worked with a guy you thought was utterly hopeless, and did you have much success?
A

I've never had anyone I thought was hopeless but I know coaches who have. There is definitely a point where I can go no further as coach and a therapist has to pick up the baton. Like the proverbial onion, peoples' layers often take time to peel away and often reveal things that they didn't know were there. And like most things, you can lead a horse to water......

Q
If I'm gonna booty-call via text, what's the best possible opener? "Where u at?" ain't cutting it anymore.
A

You're way overthinking it. Girls aren't stupid; if you are texting at 2am it doesn't matter if it's "Where u at?," "Hey" or "The Yankees win the pennant!" she knows why you're texting.

Q
Is your position as dating coach a full time or part time source of income?
A

I did it part-time but there is an entire industry of guys that do it full time. Ebooks, DVD's and such can add significant income and serves as marketing for the more expensive personalized coaching.

Q
Are your clients just trying to bed tons of women, or is it less superficial than that?
A

There are a small minority of chronic womanizers who are just trying to run up their numbers, but I'd say 95% of the guys that I coach want to have a little fun for a few years and settle down with a cool girlfriend. They just want to feel like they have some say in the matter.

Q
What was your first "aha" moment after you started learning the ropes?
A

I think it was the first time I hung out with Mystery, one of the most prominent dating coaches. He was wearing some ridiculous multi-colored coat and a belt buckle that was playing his Vh1 show on an LCD screen. I was talking to a girl and she said "Look at him, he looks ridiculous. Like he needs attention." 20 minutes later she was all over him. The "aha" was that what people (especially women) say and what they do are frequently not the same thing.

Q
Cologne - yes or no?
A

I'm of an ethnicity known for wearing too much so I abstain completely but I think most guys can get away with a dash. It's hard not to envison cheesy meatheads putting on Acqua Di Gio before grinding at Pure in Vegas but some women have told me they like it so feel free to knock yourself out.

Q
Dating in the workplace -- love it or hate it? I know it's an HR no-no, but it seems totally natural given how much time we spend with co-workers.
A

You know how they get pandas to mate? They just stick 'em in the same cage. We may eat Slim Jims instead of bamboo and reside in cubicles instead of cages but we Homo Sapiens aren't much different despite annual sexual harassment training. As long as you aren't breathing heavy on your assistant I say knock yourself out. Plus the forbidden aspect and the secret keeping are likely to amp up the sexual tension so enjoy. Just don't spill coffee on my TPS reports.

Q
I'm a little overweight - nothing crazy, but definitely doughy. Average height. What's best way to dress & present myself to compensate for it?
A

Get in the gym and lose the weight. Extra weight is really hard to conceal. Wearing black or a vest can help a bit but it still shows in your face. Pick up some weights, hit the track and most importantly, eat clean and you can wear all the tight t-shirts you want.

Q
How did you discover the pick-up community?
A

After years of middling success with dating, I read the book "The Game" in 2006. Here I found that there was an actual strategy being employed by geeky men all across the globe and they were reporting back to their fellow geeks via the interwebs. I spent the next few years reading these geek's strategies, experiences, and advice, some of which was brilliant, some of which was terrible. I also met virtually every character in the book, dozens more instructors, hundreds of practicing pupils, and of course many, many pretty ladies (and a few ugly ones).

Q
Why is Bed Bath & Beyond and good place to meet women? What's a good opening line in that kind of place?
A

There are always attractive women there and perhaps there's something to the "nesting" aspect of the place.

Lines are overrated. There's nothing wrong with "Hey I know this is a pretty random place to do this but I want to meet you. I'm Xander."

If you want to get cute you could also ask "Hey do you know where they sell blankets in here?"

Q
How many dates should there be before sex? (I'm 22, btw).
A

Unclear if you are a guy or girl.

If you are a guy...."should" is a dangerous word. If she senses too much of an expectation of sex it'll turn her off. So you can't show it. It should be (or at least seem) organic. You're 22 and most 22 year olds don't go on what would qualify as a date anyway. Bottom line, if you haven't slept with a girl in a relatively short amount of time (a month or so) cut your losses and move on. It ain't happening.

If you are a girl...I'm probably not qualified to answer.

Q
Is the mode one approach the best?
A

Never heard of it

Q
Aren't you the same Xander that was a Nightclub Promoter? How many jobs have you had?!?
A

Shhhhhh

Q
I have to ask you something. I dont like asking for help but in this case i need it. You have an email?