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"The Onion" Contributors

Mike & Jilly (Toronto , On)

Michael MacDonald and Jilly Gagnon edit and write for Canada's Pre-Eminent News Source, The Smew (smew.com), a Canadian satirical... 1 / 19 / 12 1 / 17 / 12 14
Abortion Clinic Escort

Servalbear (Louisville, KY)

We are a group of volunteers who escort clients and their companions past anti-abortion protesters. We are not security or... 1 / 04 / 14 1 / 23 / 13 26
Animal Trapper

Trapper Tom (Los Angeles, Orange, CA)

Removal of rats, cats, bats, raccoons, skunks, opossums, birds, dead animals, etc... Any animal-related issues.... 10 / 08 / 13 8 / 16 / 13 10
Architectural Project Manager

DougAPowell (Austin, TX)

I work in small 2-man architecture firm where I literally wear every hat imaginable (except Owner). I answer the phones,... 9 / 17 / 12 8 / 20 / 12 18
Bar Mitzvah DJ

YMCA (Toronto, ON)

I know how to Blame it on the Boogie better than the Jackson 5, point my disco finger higher than John Travolta and Time... 4 / 03 / 13 1 / 20 / 12 22
Beauty Queen

MissNorco2010 (Norco, CA)

In 2010 I won the Miss Norco pageant, beginning one of the biggest journeys of my life. Throughout the year I represented... 2 / 19 / 12 2 / 16 / 12 12
Birthday Party Clown

Rosie The Clown (Toronto, ON)

I've been a practicing Birthday Party Clown for 22 years. What other job is there where you can go to a party, have lots... 10 / 02 / 17 6 / 07 / 12 36
Bowling Alley Attendant

Strikeman300 (New York, NY)

For a few years in high school I was a lead attendant at a bowling alley. Responsibilities included everything from taking... 1 / 18 / 13 1 / 18 / 12 15
Bracketologist

BracketDobberSBN (Arlington, VA)

I'm currently the resident bracketologist for SB Nation and I've been attempting to accurately project the NCAA Tournament... 5 / 03 / 13 3 / 19 / 13 26
Casino Dealer

Roulette Wiz (Las Vegas, NV)

I am a Blackjack and Roulette dealer in Las Vegas at a major Las Vegas Strip property. I have knowledge of all the table... 3 / 09 / 16 4 / 16 / 12 48